What's Your Motivation?

My friend Lara asked me to expand on my weightloss motivation. Three words: Girls' Camp Slideshow.

Do you ever look at yourself in the mirror in the morning and think that you really don't look half bad? Hair is cute, clothes are clean, skin is not looking like that of a teenager in heat. You may know that you have some extra pounds you are carrying around, but all things considered, you look pretty good. Then you see a picture of yourself taken that very day and it sucks the breath of life right out of you.

This was me at camp. I know that camp is camp. I made a concious decision at that at camp I was going to go makeup free. I feel very strongly that our teenagers need to know that while makeup may be used to enhance their beauty, they should never feel ashamed or embarrassed to be seen without it. So I was going to use camp as my opportunity to show that I am not ashamed to go without makeup. I kept my face clean. Due to the hot weather and lack of shower time I usually kept my hair in a pony tail. I made a different cute "bandana" to wear in my hair each day so I wouldn't have to deal with it. Again, my attempt at showing that you don't have to be high maintenance all. the. time. Especially at camp.

Fast forward to the last night of camp when they are showing the slideshow montage of camp. And there is me. Oh. My. Goodness. Not only is my face shiny from the heat and lack of makeup, my pulled back hair just emphasizes my "fuller" cheeks. Put me next to the three skinny minny members of the Stake YW Presidency and you have a collision with reality.

I don't FEEL thirty four. I don't FEEL 30 pounds overweight. But boy do I look it. In that flash of a picture (or four) in the slideshow I saw myself how other people must see me (maybe not friends, but strangers and those I don't know very well, and certainly the YW who see me only a few times a year). I don't look like the cute, funny, understanding leader that you want to be like when you grow up. I look tired. So I am on a quest to make my outside match how I feel on the inside.

So I joined this weightloss challenge. The contest itself doesn't start until tomorrow, but I have been going great guns since last Tuesday. Why wait? I have my weightloss chain on my fridge still. I had to add a few links to it from when I made it in February (Grrrrrrrr....), but I have been able to remove three of them already. In reflecting on my "rut" of the past nine months, I think that much of it stems from my weight. Frustration with myself for letting it get this bad after all the work I did two years ago. Disappointment with my lack of self control. Self esteem issues when I hang out with a group of women and realize that I am "the fat friend." And just general physical malaise because being out of shape makes you feel crappy. It was a horrible downward spiral that I was stuck in. The worst part was knowing what I needed to do to make it better, but not having the willpower or energy to make it happen. I tried a few times and was sidelined a few weeks in by one thing or another. This time I WILL succeed.

I am still all for no makeup at camp. But I think I'll be more careful before going to the store without it. ☺ So, onward and DOWNWARD. As Brian keeps reminding me, it's a marathon, not a sprint.

***And by the way, this post is in NO way looking for ego stroking, should you be feeling so inclined.

Hello???

Is this thing on? Is there anybody left out there who checks this thing?

Needless to say, I have been a crappy blogger lately. I don't even know why. I still love reading blogs. I still take pictures of things with the thought that it will make a good blog. I just never actually sit down and do it. Life hasn't even been that busy. Just full.

In the past three months we have had four birthdays. Jillise was baptized. I went to Youth Conference and Girls' Camp. We took a trip to Idaho for Brian's sister's wedding. We had a vacation on the coast. School got out. We got gerbils. The girls passed a level of swimming lessons. Brian got a new calling. Again. We have had a heat wave. I have joined another "lose 10% of your body weight or lose your money" challenge. Brian was on antibiotics for a "very angry toe." Jaren has become a very funny little man. I choral directed a musical. The girls danced in a ballet recital. Brian went golfing with my dad. And all the other "normal" things that go on around here.

Some of these things really do need a blog post. Jillise's baptism and our family trips, for sure. I don't know that Brian's toe needs any more attention than it has received already.

I do hope to get back on here. Maybe now that I have taken the first step there will be more. I keep getting less than subtle hints from Terica that I need to update this thing more often. I think the past few months have been an interesting time for me. Lots of changes. There seem to be a lot more things that demand my time and I have less time to dedicate to "me." My calling has certainly kept me busy since the start of the year. I love love LOVE what I am doing, but it requires quite a bit of time on the computer organizing, typing, emailing, and printing. I am trying to spend more time doing things with the kids this summer, instead of just hanging out around the house. During the school year I teach 16 piano/voice students. There is always something more I should be doing around the house, though I have been doing a good job of keeping the "public" areas clean. I don't know. When I get "free" time I tend to just do NOTHING. I have told a few people that I just feel like I am in a rut. Like I know I am on the brink of big things and big changes. Big possibilities. But I can't bring myself to just go for it. Part of me is just being stubborn and lazy and not doing ANYTHING. I think I am coming out of that. This diet challenge has gotten me exercising and eating better. I am excited about the school year when both girls will be in classes all day and I have six hours with Jaren to play, go on little outings, and go into town. For the past five years our lives during the school year have rotated around SOMEONE being in half day school - whether preschool or kindergarten. It is really hard to get much of anything done when you only have 2.5 hours to do it in. Add Jaren's nap to that and I was practically homebound.

So. How's that for a welcome back blog post? I don't even know if it made any sense. I rarely understand myself, so if any of you see anything in there that resonates with you, feel free to let me know what it is. I can use all the help I can get. :)