What's Your Motivation?

My friend Lara asked me to expand on my weightloss motivation. Three words: Girls' Camp Slideshow.

Do you ever look at yourself in the mirror in the morning and think that you really don't look half bad? Hair is cute, clothes are clean, skin is not looking like that of a teenager in heat. You may know that you have some extra pounds you are carrying around, but all things considered, you look pretty good. Then you see a picture of yourself taken that very day and it sucks the breath of life right out of you.

This was me at camp. I know that camp is camp. I made a concious decision at that at camp I was going to go makeup free. I feel very strongly that our teenagers need to know that while makeup may be used to enhance their beauty, they should never feel ashamed or embarrassed to be seen without it. So I was going to use camp as my opportunity to show that I am not ashamed to go without makeup. I kept my face clean. Due to the hot weather and lack of shower time I usually kept my hair in a pony tail. I made a different cute "bandana" to wear in my hair each day so I wouldn't have to deal with it. Again, my attempt at showing that you don't have to be high maintenance all. the. time. Especially at camp.

Fast forward to the last night of camp when they are showing the slideshow montage of camp. And there is me. Oh. My. Goodness. Not only is my face shiny from the heat and lack of makeup, my pulled back hair just emphasizes my "fuller" cheeks. Put me next to the three skinny minny members of the Stake YW Presidency and you have a collision with reality.

I don't FEEL thirty four. I don't FEEL 30 pounds overweight. But boy do I look it. In that flash of a picture (or four) in the slideshow I saw myself how other people must see me (maybe not friends, but strangers and those I don't know very well, and certainly the YW who see me only a few times a year). I don't look like the cute, funny, understanding leader that you want to be like when you grow up. I look tired. So I am on a quest to make my outside match how I feel on the inside.

So I joined this weightloss challenge. The contest itself doesn't start until tomorrow, but I have been going great guns since last Tuesday. Why wait? I have my weightloss chain on my fridge still. I had to add a few links to it from when I made it in February (Grrrrrrrr....), but I have been able to remove three of them already. In reflecting on my "rut" of the past nine months, I think that much of it stems from my weight. Frustration with myself for letting it get this bad after all the work I did two years ago. Disappointment with my lack of self control. Self esteem issues when I hang out with a group of women and realize that I am "the fat friend." And just general physical malaise because being out of shape makes you feel crappy. It was a horrible downward spiral that I was stuck in. The worst part was knowing what I needed to do to make it better, but not having the willpower or energy to make it happen. I tried a few times and was sidelined a few weeks in by one thing or another. This time I WILL succeed.

I am still all for no makeup at camp. But I think I'll be more careful before going to the store without it. ☺ So, onward and DOWNWARD. As Brian keeps reminding me, it's a marathon, not a sprint.

***And by the way, this post is in NO way looking for ego stroking, should you be feeling so inclined.