Happiness Is...

Being able to wear boots and skinny jeans.  Now, I don't think that I am skinny, but the boots are a big deal for me.  For the past two years I have watched the cute trend of boots and jeans and had to sit out.  Because for some reason when I gain weight I hold a LOT of it in my short, stubby legs.  The only reason I had black dress boots for church this winter is because I found some with an extra zipper panel to accommodate the "athletic calf." (That was a genius marketing move, though it totally makes me laugh. The reason I need the extra 2" is because I am anything BUT athletic -- but who wants to buy a boot "for fat legs?")

I have known that I need to change my eating and workout habits for a long time.  Last spring I went through a bit of depression where I went around and around in my head trying to figure out if I was depressed because I was lazy, or lazy because I was depressed. It's an odd sensation to be in my head, watching myself eat things I shouldn't, watch the scale numbers go up and up, watching my friends and family have success with their weight loss and being genuinely happy for them, but not able to make any long term commitment myself.  I knew what I needed to do, I had the tools at my disposal, but it seems that I had to see that predetermined "maximum weight" on the scale before I was able to go for it.  I saw the number the week of Christmas, so I started January 1st.  And it's working.

The last few times I have had any success with losing weight I was part of a "Lose 10%" contest.  Plain and simple, you put in your money, you have 12 weeks to lose 10% of your body weight, and if you are successful you get your money back, plus a portion of the money forfeited by the people who were not successful.  The first contest was a piece of cake. My body responded to the exercises I was doing and the healthy diet changes. But my weight crept back up again and I found myself in the same position about two years later. But the next contest was a different experience.  The weight was not coming off like it did before. I was working out and eating right and I felt like I was having to scratch and claw for every tenth of a pound.  I made my goal, but barely. I had to do a juice fast the last weekend of the contest just to make it, but I had put so much work into it that I was NOT going to lose that money.  Three months later my hair started falling out as a result of the stress of those last weeks.  And needless to say, the frustration of the experience did not help the "good" habits to stick. All I wanted to do was eat food that made me happy and lie around.  I was almost rebelling against myself.  Which led to the depression issues, on and on and on.

So this time there is no "deadline."  I got an iPod Touch for Christmas and I downloaded the intelli-diet.  It is a fantastic little app that helps you eat right.  No fads, no calorie counting.  You input your weight, how much you exercise, and how many pounds you want to lose a week (up to two).  They give you a huge list of foods and you choose the ones you like to eat and it makes meals and snacks for you.  Its fantastic. And it works.  It focuses on healthy fats, whole grains, fruits and veggies, and lean proteins. There are of course no sweets on the plan, but I have allowed myself to eat those when I feel that I am struggling. And I am still losing weight.  I can't recommend it highly enough. Best $4 I ever spent.

I cancelled my gym membership and started the Couch to 5K plan that first week of January.  My fantastic neighbor, Michelle, allowed me to use their treadmill in their garage, since running in the cold and wet does not appeal to me at ALL.  In January I was struggling to run for two minutes at a time, but I am currently running over two MILES at a time.  My 5K is on April 9th and I know I will be ready. It may take me 40 minutes, but I will do it.  And my body seems to like the running. Even though I have slacked off on my workouts the days I don't run (the C25K program only has me running three days a week) I am still seeing success.  This weekend we even bought our very OWN treadmill! She's a beaut.

And here's the kicker. I am happy. Trying to lose weight is not all consuming.  I am not beating myself up if I don't do an ab workout.  The 5K on the calendar keeps me running every week, but I am finding that it's enjoyable.  I like setting a goal before the run and the sense of accomplishment when I reach it.  I will always be tempted to eat something I shouldn't (Hostess Cupcake, anyone?), and sometimes I will make the right choice and sometimes I won't.  But I am not going to panic about it.

 I am looking forward to my thighs not rubbing together when I walk -- someday.  And maybe even running a 10K -- someday. But for now I am just happy to be wearing cute boots.

It's ALIVE!!!!

So, August 29, 2009, huh? Nice.  I guess I took a blogging break.  I'm not entirely sure why I needed it, but I did.  I had to figure out why I was blogging. What I liked in other blogs.  Why so many of us have this need to put our lives out there for everyone to see.  And you know what I came up with after a year and a half? Absolutely nothing. I have some ideas:

I think that Facebook contributed to my lack of blogging in a big way.  Why spend an hour uploading deep thoughts with pictures when a 160 character witty comment will do?

I think my paper thin skin had something to do with it. I don't "do" confrontation and I was frustrated with strangers trying to take up debate with my thoughts.  For that reason, I may decide to disable comments. But I don't want to do that, so if you want to argue with someone, please go somewhere else. Like my banner says, this space is about ME.  No apologies. I reserve the right to delete comments if I feel like it. Deal with it.

I think my frustration with the "my life is perfect" blogs had something to do with it.  Those people who blog about how perfectly darling their children are and how crafty they are and how perfectly perfect their life is.  I am not those things.  Sometimes I have a good morning.  Sometimes I even do a craft or two. I read a blog recently where someone related blogging to "show and tell."  Most people just bring their shiniest, newest toy to the big event, ignoring all of of the well loved, worn out toys that really tell a story.  I was afraid that by displaying my "broken in" toys on the blog that I was portraying myself and my family in a less than ideal light, when compared to the other "still in box" toys that are out there on display.

So, as my first order of business, I am displaying an old, broken toy. I REALLY don't like snow.  I think it's pretty, I like it when it cancels school.  I don't like that it is cold, and that the cold turns to wet.  I don't like all of the special layers that are necessary just to go "play" in it.  I don't like driving in it and all of the Pacific Northwest drivers who THINK that they know what they are doing in this stuff. I don't like cleaning up the puddles on my floor after my kids track it inside.  Yes, this makes me a TOTAL lame-o mom.  My poor kids.  They will never learn to ski.  They will never have their mom drive them to the school parking lot to do donuts when there is no school.  I *WILL* offer to turn on the gas fireplace and play Rummikub. Does that count?

And so I don't end on a downer of a "welcome back" post, here are our most recent family pictures, taken by the fantastically fantastic Kamee June this fall when we ran away from home for a week to the beautiful fantasy land that is Southern California:

 I also have to give a shout out to Katrina Kirk who did my hair and makeup and made me look and feel like a movie star.

Saturday Stuff

• Went to see Fiddler on the Roof with my sister. Topol played the roll of Tevya in his farewell tour. He was the guy in the movie My first thought when I saw the advertisement: That guy is still alive???? Boy is he! He was fantastic. Almost 74 years old and he was kicking up his heels and dancing and singing. The program said that he has performed this roll more than 2500 times. You would never know it. It was a great evening.
• Took a family outing to the discount grocery store today. Not exactly the kids' idea of FUN, but it beats them fighting with each other at home while Brian watches TV and I do it by myself. Joelle helped me get stuff off of the shelf and Brian and Jillise were my human calculators. I would tell them how much to add to our running total and Jillise would add it up in her head while Brian helped keep track of that number in between items. Jaren was actually pretty good.
• School starts in less than two weeks. Crazy. We didn't do 75% of the stuff I had planned to do. Oh, well. There is always next summer. It felt weird today to be shopping for lunch box items. I think I have my piano student schedule about set. This fall will be interesting. Jillise's ballet classes move to twice a week, Joelle goes once. Jillise still has piano lessons and now we have Activity Days for church every other Wednesday, too. I am still mentally adjusting to the fact that Joelle will be in school all day!
• Weight loss is moving right along. I am four weeks down out of 12 and am ahead of schedule a little, so I have some wiggle room if the weight loss slows down a bit in the end. I finally got to remove the first "gold link" from my chain today and rewarded myself with a Deluxe Pedicure. I had a gift certificate that I was saving for just this. It was HEAVEN. Now I have pretty toes. At least until I ram my big toe into something and crack the nail.
• I'm going to see Julie and Julia this week. I'm excited. It will be a fun Girls Night Out.
• The amount of crumbs under my table after every meal. Seriously?? Do my children actually get ANY food into their mouths?? Cuz I'm thinking no. It's when I am sweeping up piles of cold cereal, chips, taco meat, and dried cheese that I really miss Kramer (the dog that now lives with my parents).
• I've been making all of our bread for a few months now. I love it. Sadly, it has done nothing to help curb my desire for carbs. I have been known to eat nothing but protein for breakfast and snack so I can have a PBandJ sandwich for lunch. Heaven. It's the simple things.
• Now that I am craving a sandwich I am going to go make dinner so I can go do my cardio AND weights workout tonight. I slacked yesterday and tomorrow is my rest day so I have to get my burn on beforehand.

Want To Do It MySEFF!!

We have entered the Age of Independence. That period in every two, three, or four year-olds life when they are CONVINCED that they can do everything for themselves. That period where our family is now perpetually late for everything. It starts first thing in the morning. Not only does he have to GET dressed by himself, it takes him two to three minutes just to choose what design he wants on his pullups/undies. Then he has to get the stool, open the freezer, get the waffles, and put them in the toaster. Then use the tongs to REMOVE them from the toaster. He has to put his own sandals on , buckle himself in his carseat (which is new and which he cannot do very well yet -- and if he feels the car move just a fraction of an inch he screams bloody murder). He wants to choose what he eats every day and what we watch on TV.

In some ways this stage is nice because it does lead to REAL Independence. But in many ways I miss just being able to do it for him (quickly) and being on time for things. Unfortunately Jillise inherited my need to be prompt and Jaren just frustrates her to no end. But any attempt to hurry Jaren up results in one of two things: He will either throw a screaming tantrum all the way to event (resulting in being on time but so disruptive that you have to leave again to discipline him in the hallway), or he will throw a screaming fit until you give in at home and let him START OVER doing it on his own (resulting in being late).

So please excuse Paige's tardiness on _____________ (fill in the date). She is attempting to teach life skills to a three year old headstrong little boy without losing her mind in the process. I would like to state that this will never happen again, but quite frankly, that would be a lie.

Sincerely,
Paige's Conscience

Joy

I have been doing quite a bit of reflection lately on joy. What is it? What makes us happy? What makes us UNhappy? My friend Candy did a fabulous Relief Society lesson on this a few weeks ago on how PURE joy comes from a full understanding of the atonement and the ability to be worthy enough to take advantage of that gift. This got my wheels turning, but it was watching the events in two friends lives that really made me start to think. I know one of these friends reads my blog, I doubt the other one does. I really don't want to offend ANYONE, this is just my observation of what is shown on the outside and how I perceive things to be.

My first friend grew up in a very active LDS family but quickly went inactive upon leaving home after high school. Married someone with the same background. Both are FABULOUS people. Their wedding was *so* wonderful. I enjoyed keeping in touch with them through the years. Both are very successful at what they do. They built a gorgeous house. They have a beautiful daughter. They are very busy. Both became involved in spiritualism and self mastery. They are the ones who got me hooked on being fit. They are amazingly healthy and beautiful and they work hard to maintain that. I was in awe that they were SO disciplined that they ate 100% clean and structured six days out of the week. No cheating. At all. They were so patient with me when I COULDN'T do that. But they fully believed that I could do ANYTHING I set my mind to do. They are charitable and give to others. They quote the Tao and meditate. They take excursions to other countries to study their spiritual traditions.

For years I was convinced that they were happy, living out their dreams and finding their destiny. Lately I have been working more closely with them as I am on my latest weigh loss push -- communicating with them more frequently. And I started to see things I hadn't seen before. I noticed things. Like that the searching they are doing for a higher "plane" of existence is never ending. One philosophy negates another. And their searches were taking them in different directions. Instead of working together toward one unified goal, they were searching for whatever resonated with them as individuals. I found that even with all of their giving and sharing and working to build up others, their marriage was failing.

When they first told me their philosophy "there is no right and wrong," I found it quite strange and I was interested to see how they taught that concept to their daughter. I knew from my experience with my own kids that they need to be taught and given boundaries. The more I thought about it, I realized that the reason I couldn't wrap my head around it is because it goes against the basic laws of the universe that we are taught in the scriptures. Adam had to eat of the fruit so he COULD know right from wrong. So he could experience Health and Sickness. Pleasure and Pain. JOY and Sorrow. Without one, there isn't the other. So if the world has no right and wrong, then we cease to feel. I came to see that through all of that self mastery and meditation and study, they may be finding knowledge of new things and ideas, and maybe some peace, but not happiness. I would venture to say they are probably more confused than when they started. And the fact that they are now searching alone, without each other, is the very epitome of sadness, if you ask me.

I even started to notice through facebook updates that the strict diet had led them to forget just how much fun eating good food WHEN you want to eat it can be. Or just going out with friends and living life -- even if it doesn't bring you to a higher understanding of the universe. All things in moderation.

My second friend was raised in the gospel. I've known her my whole life. Great LDS family. She married in the temple and has four fantastic kids. They moved into a house with room for the kids to play, but I don't think it was anything new or fancy. She worked hard to live frugally and was even able to save up enough to surprise her husband with a trip to Europe so they could visit where he served his mission. Her husband is a teacher/coach and she stays at home to raise their young children.

A year and a half ago, her husband was diagnosed with stage four cancer in the esophagus. Statistically, the long term outlook for this type of cancer is not good. There were fasts held, and blessings were given. The community rallied around them. Friends redecorated her living room. Teachers gave up their sick leave so he could still receive paychecks while recovering from chemo and radiation. Her blog was ALWAYS optimistic and upbeat. They kept a sense of humor about things. I'm sure that they had moments of sadness and fear, but the prevailing attitude was one of faith. This battle with the cancer has been a roller coaster. Great news, followed by questionable PET scans. Hair growing back in and weight being gained again, only to be told that they have to do another round of chemo. I think it is natural to be on the outside of this situation and wonder how we would fare if we were IN it. I would like to think that I would be a strong as they have been, but I don't know.

What really made me realize the depth of her faith was when I did my blog post about joining the weight loss challenge. On Sunday night she contacted me and let me know that this is JUST what she needed and that she wanted to do it, too. Not a huge deal, until you know that her husband was scheduled to have surgery the very next day to remove another tumor from his neck. A surgery that had many question marks attached to it. They didn't know if the tumor would be connected to any major arteries or veins. Or if they would get in there and find that they cancer had spread to other organs or lymph nodes, requiring more surgery and chemo... or worse.

A weaker person (ie, ME) would have thought, "Gee, I would love to do that type of a contest, but I just can't commit to that right now. Who KNOWS what is going to happen tomorrow during the surgery and I don't want to be out my $50 before I even get started!!" But she didn't. She said, "I need to do this for ME, I have faith that Heavenly Father is in control and I will be able to handle whatever happens and I am going forward with faith." Okay, she didn't really say that, but that is what struck me when she made this commitment. Oh, and by the way -- the surgery was wildly successful. The tumor was connected to the body with fine layers of fat they could cut along (what chemo patient has layers of fat in their neck???) to remove the tumor. Of all 11 lymph nodes biopsied, all 11 came back clear. This is nothing short of amazing.

So... what does all of this mean? Who knows. I guess it was just an informal case study on two people whose life situations started off the same, but who chose different paths. And this is just my perception of their situations. I know that there are lots of things that go on in both of their lives that I DON'T see, but I have to go off of what I noticed as an observer.

I want to move forward with faith. I don't ever want to be stuck treading water in the pool of life (ha!) because I don't have the faith to take those first strokes into the unknown. I don't want to become so wrapped up in being healthy, or rich, or well dressed, or well read, or well travelled that I miss what is important.

"Adam fell that men might be. And men are that they might have JOY." 2 Nephi 2:25

Our Heavenly Father sent us to this earth to gain a body. To have experiences and be tested. But everything about this earth and our bodies just strengthens my testimony that we are here to do more than that. Our bodies can experience excitement, happiness, exuberance, love. This world is SO full of beautiful things. Delicious food. Awe inspiring things to experience. All of these things were put here by a God who wants us to enjoy them. He didn't have to do that. If all we needed was a body and to be tested, it could be done in a much more horrible looking place, with bodies that can't do half of what ours do. But He wants us to have JOY. To feel the happiness that comes from enjoying the blessing we are given, serving others, and living to our full potential. To feel the JOY that comes from being forgiven of our sins. From knowing that we have the chance to start over when we have fallen down. The JOY that comes from knowing that Jesus Christ suffered so that he could be empathetic to all of our pains, sorrows, and sadness -- and that he is ready and willing to take those pains and sadness away from us if we just ask. The JOY that comes from knowing that my family can be together for ETERNITY. The JOY that comes from having the priesthood in my home -- that my husband holds the ability to act in Jesus' name to bless and protect our family. And to speak to us through blessings the words of peace and comfort that only Heavenly Father and the Holy Ghost can give.

I want to live a life of JOY. A life full of so much faith and gratitude that there is no room for doubt, fear, or discouragement. A life where maybe someday someone could observe ME from afar and marvel at my faith and happiness despite life experiences the way I observed my friend. Because THAT is why I am here.

Wednesday Wanderings

• Last night I wore a swimsuit to water aerobics that I bought last year and didn't fit into. It doesn't look PERFECT yet, but I got it on, there were no horrific "spill overs," so I wore it. I love deep water aerobics. You work at your own pace and you really give your muscles a run for their money, yet there is something really mentally relaxing about the whole thing. And you burn a ton of calories.
• School is starting SOON. This summer has flown by and we haven't don't half the fun things I said we were going to do. The ballet schedule for my girls has been posted, so I have been able to plan my piano schedule. It really doesn't look that bad this year. I have been nervous because Jillise goes to ballet 2x a week now, PLUS has Activity Days at church. Ack!
• Because of all of this, I have had to drop out of my bunco group. Sadness. But I feel good about it. I will hopefully get calls to be a sub and the months when I don't have Young Women meetings out the wazoo and Brian isn't out doing Ward Mission stuff or working late, I can go and enjoy myself.
• I am way excited that Top Chef and Project Runway are starting again. YAY!! I love having shows to watch while I eat my lunch or cool down after exercising. SYTYCD is another one we will add to our queue. I am hopeful for Glee, but I just fear it is going to become another oversexed dramedy that Fox and all of the other networks are so good at pumping out. They take a decent story line with good, interesting characters and after a couple of episodes, the only interactions they are creative enough to come up with involve affairs, or teen pregnancies, or drunken sex. I am optimistic because they seem to be targeting the show towards a younger demographic (teens), but I guess that doesn't mean much anymore.
• Jaren still isn't potty trained. We have been working on it a bit. I learned from the girls to take a "child led" approach. This helps you avoid mental standoffs (which I had many of with the girls). But he doesn't seem to really want to lead. He WILL be out of diapers by the time he goes into Sunbeams. I think.
• I have run a half mile WITHOUT STOPPING for two days in a row. Outside. With little hills. I am not a runner. I don't know if I ever will be a runner. I was a good sprinter when I was little, but the long distance things have never been for me. I don't know how much of that is mental and how much is physical. I am trying to build up my strength and stamina so I can join a little running club in the fall.
• I have been thinking a lot about happiness lately. This may become a blog post of its own. I think I started it a while back and never finished it. Through watching different people in my life it has just become SO obvious that happiness is not a SOMETHING. It is a way of being. I am learning more and more that true joy comes from knowing and living the plan of happiness. By keeping the course and having faith that we are in the care of a loving God who wants us to reach our full potential and is waiting to help us. And that we can do all of the worldly study, we can give all we have to the poor, we can have beautiful healthy bodies, we can be surrounded by beautiful things... and still not have JOY. We may have periods of satisfaction and happiness, but not full joy. I know that this is a basic concept that we are taught in the Gospel (Man's Search for Happiness, anyone?). But in the past few months I have seen both sides played out in people I love and it has just been a fascinating process to watch. I am not claiming that everyone who has the gospel is happier than those who don't. But I believe that those who embrace it, who do the things they are supposed to be doing, who exercise faith in all things, who have seen the hand of the Lord in everything around them have a kind of eternal joy and perspective that those who don't have a knowledge of the gospel or who don't ACT on that knowledge can never possess. I need to make it my goal to become one of those knowers. I'm working on it. ☺
• Yesterday I made these in honor of National Cupcake Day. They were really fun to to make!! When Jaren didn't finish his I must admit to taking ONE bite. I can say they were yummy, too. And it's an idea I'll have to play around with in the future. Red white and blue for 4th of July. Turkey Feather colors for Thanksgiving. Very fun. :)
• I am wearing capris today and need to shave my legs.
• I learned the sign language last week to Families Can Be Together Forever. What is it about little kids doing sign language that just makes my heart leap for joy??? The look so beautiful doing it. And I think so many of the signs reinforce the meaning of the words and make the kids (and the listener) THINK about what they are singing instead of just thinking "this song AGAIN?????"
• I'm getting tired of eggs for breakfast. Sometimes I just want a HUGE bowl of cereal. But I can't. Throws off my carbs for the whole day. Darn you, sugar and flour.
• I made one of these for a friend yesterday using a scrap of fabric instead of paper. I was thrilled that it worked so well (especially since I am not a scrapbooker (gasp!) and have way more fabric lying around than I do paper.

So that's what's I'm thinking about. Aren't you glad I came out of blog seclusion to post it all?

Just Keep Swimming...

Just a little Jillise brag. She can SWIM!! Both girls have made great strides this summer in swimming lessons, but the technique REALLY clicked with her. A few weeks ago she passed Level 2 in swimming lessons. In that class she learned the basics of the crawl stroke and side breathing. She decided that she wanted to master the crawl stroke on her own, then she taught herself the backstroke. She can now swim the crawl stroke the entire width of the pool, then swim back on her back (I taught her how to spot herself using the beams of the ceiling). She did this three times and it didn't seem to tire her at all. In order to swim in the "deep pool" without an adult with her, she has to be able to do this just one time, and she did it three! I can't believe it. When she was little she was just like me. She cried before every swimming lesson and she clung to us in the pool. Now she is teaching herself strokes (with pretty good form, I might add). She was pretty excited about the prospect of passing Level 5 someday and being a lifeguard when she is sixteen.

Joelle is now swimming underwater and getting things off the bottom of the pool. She loves to jump in and is getting closer to passing Level 2. At the beginning of the summer she still hated putting her face underwater and insisted on using the waterwings.

Jaren is a madman in the pool. You put a pair of water wings on that kid and he is unstoppable. Unfortunately, you take the waterwings OFF of him and he STILL thinks he is unstoppable. As soon as we can get him out of diapers we will have to put him in lessons. He may be one of those kids who is five years old in Level 3!